


Lightbulb Moment

by TheseusInTheMaze



Category: Buzzfeed The Try Guys (Web Series)
Genre: Alcohol, Awkwardness, Coming Out, Deep Throating, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, M/M, Oral Sex, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-08-27 07:48:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16698361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheseusInTheMaze/pseuds/TheseusInTheMaze
Summary: Zach has some personal revelations, but not the way he expected.





	Lightbulb Moment

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you, Bee, for betaing!

It was the plastic surgery episode that kinda... cinched certain things for Zach.

Not things that he'd necessarily _thought_ about much, to be sure - well, okay, no, that was a lie.

He'd thought about them. 

He'd just never really... put them in words. 

Let alone put them in exact words, the way the plastic surgeon had.

He stood at his special desk, typing away, and he tried not to think too hard about much of anything.

And okay, maybe things just kind of... went from there.

And continued to go from there.

It wasn't that he hadn't been aware of his own attractiveness before that - far from it. 

He worked a job where he was surrounded by attractive people, and then there he was, small, hairy, bespectacled....

He was in enough of a headspace that he was using "bespectacled" in a sentence, and that said something, didn't it?

So he went on with his life, and okay, maybe his jokes got a little darker, and maybe he clenched his jaw some more, but hey. 

They were starting their own company, they were making their way through the world, in a world which, quite frankly, kinda sucked.

So who cared if Zach was kind of ugly?

He made up for it with his sparkling personality, right?

That's what he liked to tell himself, late at night. 

But sometimes things got a bit more... bitter.

Not on purpose!

Zach tried not to be too bitter.

It came out anyway, because... well, bitterness tends to seep out, like so much poison. 

* * * 

Zach and Eugene sat at a bar, and they drank.

Eugene was flirted with, because of course he was. He took it with his usual aplomb. 

How could he not be, as pretty as he was?

And maybe some of the bitterness just... popped out of Zach’s mouth, because before he had a chance to think, he was speaking.

"What's it like, being wanted?"

Eugene was staring down into his beer, and then he looked sidelong at Zach, one eyebrow up.

"What?"

"Being wanted," Zach repeated. "What's it like?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," Zach said, and he was wobbling a bit, leaning heavily on the bar now. 

... maybe he'd had too much to drink after all.

"You mean," Eugene echoed back.

"I _mean_ ," Zach said, and he made an expansive gesture, which had Eugene leaning out of the way, to keep from getting poked in the face. "I mean... like... people hit on you. What's that like?"

Eugene shrugged.

"Honestly?"

"I wouldn't be talking about this if I didn't want you to be honest," Zach pointed out, and he took another sip of his drink.

It was his third.

... okay, so he was wobbling a bit.

It was a lot of booze. 

He'd been drinking more often, but, well... chronic pain is a motherfucker, and one can only do so much to manage it, so why not try for an escape?

Maybe his tolerance would go up.

"I dunno," said Eugene, and his expression turned thoughtful. "I could, in theory, just tell you some truism."

"No way is truism a real word," said Zach.

"It totally is," said Eugene.

"If it's a real word, define it," said Zach.

"You're more belligerent than usual," said Eugene. 

"It's been a week," Zach said flatly.

Eugene nodded, and he patted Zach on the knee.

Zach tried not to blush too hard - Eugene initiating any kind of physical contact was always... interesting, to be sure.

It was enough to give one pause.

"Well," said Eugene, "it's... I dunno. It's tiresome."

"I'd like to try it," said Zach, and maybe his voice was a little wistful, but he didn't really know how to turn that off.

"Try what?"

"Being wanted," said Zach. 

"Why do you think you're not wanted?"

"Do _you_ want to know the last time I had sex?"

... wow, that was a lot of bitter for one sentence. 

Zach was honestly impressed with himself.

"I mean," Eugene said, "it's not like I've got a rollicking love life or anything like that. We're busy people."

"But you have the _option_ ," Zach said. "If you wanted to, you could probably go home with anyone in this whole bar."

Zach made a sweeping, expansive gesture, and nearly got the bartender in the face.

"Could my friend here get a glass of water please?"

Eugene grabbed Zach's hand in both of his, holding their hands together.

Eugene's pulse was thudding on the inside of his wrist, and it was pressed against Zach's own wrist, and it was enough to make Zach a little dizzy.

"Am I being an obnoxious drunk?"

"A little bit," said Eugene. 

"Sorry," said Zach.

"I couldn't go home with anyone here," Eugene said.

"Hm?"

"A lot of people aren't into... y'know. People like me."

"Sexy dudes?"

"Asian dudes. Queer dudes. People who are fashionable, or not super masculine, or not super hairy, or not completely hairless -"

"You're totally hot," said Zach, scandalized in spite of himself. "You're, like, the hottest guy here. You're the hottest Try Guy!"

"I won't tell Keith you said that," Eugene said, his tone so flat it was probably meant to be a joke.

Zach found it hilarious, at any rate, and then he was cackling, loud, raucous laughter that he'd have tried to muffle, except Eugene was holding his hands, and if Eugene was holding his hands, he didn't want to let go.

It was nice to hold someone's hands.

"You're, like... you're really good looking," Zach told Eugene. 

"Thanks," said Eugene.

"No, don't brush me off. I mean it. Remember when we did that plastic surgery episode, and the guy said you only needed to change one thing about your face, versus all the shit they needed to change about me?"

Eugene was still holding on to Zach's hands, the pad of one finger stroking across Zach's thumbnail, and it was giving Zach the shivers.

"Well," Zach continued, although it was hard to think with Eugene doing that, "well, you're... you're, like, the best looking Try Guy. And you need to remember that. You're, like, one of the best looking men I've ever seen in my life. No, one of the best looking _people_ I've ever known in my life!"

"Zach," Eugene said, and his voice was as dry as the ground outside, "are you hitting on me?" 

"What? No!"

Zach tried to pull his hands free.

Eugene held on for an extra second - probably to annoy Zach, come to think of it - and then he let go, and the momentum of his own arms nearly knocked Zach off of the bar stool.

Eugene grabbed the front of Zach's shirt, to keep Zach from falling over, and Zach tried not to make a face, at the pain that shot through his lower back like a lightning strike.

Of course.

He could drink until you could light his piss on fire, but the pain would still be there.

"You are really drunk," Eugene said.

"I am _not_ ," Zach said. 

"Would you be having this conversation if you were sober?"

"Well, no," said Zach, and then there was a glass of water in front of him. 

He took a swig of it. 

"Ergo, you're drunk,' said Eugene.

"I may be," said Zach, "but I'm also telling the truth."

"You are far from the first drunk guy to tell me I'm attractive," said Eugene, "but thank you."

"That's what I mean," said Zach. "I don't know what that's like. Nobody calls me pretty. I'm just... Zach. I just exist."

"You're plenty attractive," Eugene said. "I'm sure there are plenty of people out there looking for someone like you."

Zach snorted.

"You're not really good at the whole reassurance thing, y'know that?"

Eugene's face broke out into a genuine grin, which was a bit of a surprise. 

Then again, Eugene always enjoyed this kind of back and forth bantering.

"Gimme a break," Eugene said, and he took a swallow of his beer. "I'm doing my best."

His mouth was wrapped around the rim of the bottle, and it was weirdly distracting, although some of that might have just been Zach being drunk.

He tried not to stare too hard at that, or at Eugene's hands, holding on to the beer bottle. 

"I'm not really... I know that some people are people who are _wanted_ ," Zach said, and he was leaning in, almost conspiratorial. "Some people are people who _want_. And I just... you know, I'm not a person who is wanted. And that's how it works. That's just the way the world is. I wish it was different, but...." He snorted, and he was aware that his face was twisting into something sardonic. "I wish a lot of things."

Eugene was looking at Zach with an unreadable expression.

"I think you're projecting a bit," he told Zach.

"I think I'm right," Zach fired back, and then he ordered another drink, because that seemed like a good idea.

"What's got you so morose, anyway?"

Eugene was still nursing his beer. 

Zach shrugged.

"Am I being morose?"

"You seem at least somewhat morose, yeah," said Eugene. 

"It's been... you know how it is," Zach said, making a vaguely dismissive hand gesture. "Hard to sleep, the standard stuff."

"Oh," said Eugene, and then he got that same look that everyone got, when Zach talked about his condition.

The _"I'm sorry you're in pain, but also how do I change the subject_ " sort of look. 

Zach resisted the urge to roll his eyes, because people were coming at it from the right place at least, right?

Zach looked down at his beer, and then he tilted his head back, letting the beer slide down his throat, into his stomach.

It was cold - almost shockingly cold, verging on painful, but also in a _good_ way - the bar was oppressively hot, the air conditioner on the fritz or maybe just not working that well.

There was sweat dripping down Zach's back, down the backs of his knees, and he was aware that Eugene was sweating as well - he could see it dripping down Eugene's temples, soaking into Eugene's hair. 

"Sorry," Eugene said.

"What, that I've got a chronic condition?"

"I mean, yeah," said Eugene, and he looked... awkward.

There was something almost funny about that, considering how put together Eugene usually strove to be. 

Zach shrugged.

"It is what it is," he said.

Eugene snorted.

"I don't know if that's philosophical or just depressed," said Eugene.

"A lot of philosophy is just depression under a fancy name," said Zach.

"And you'd know, studying philosophy, huh?"

"I mean," said Zach. "I went to college. I could also point out the great sages of my people.”

“Your people,” Eugene said. “You sound like a character in a movie.”

Zach made a face at him. “And... well."

"Well?"

"Doesn't alcohol make philosophers out of everyone?"

It was Eugene's turn to shrug.

"I don't know," he said.

"You just get itchy feet when you're drunk," said Zach, and he took another drink.

"... I get alcohol induced athlete's foot?"

Eugene's forehead was scrunching up, his eyebrows nearly meeting in the middle, and Zach was struck with the inexplicable urge to reach out and smooth the lines with his thumb.

He gripped his drink a little tighter.

"No," said Zach. "You know. Itchy feet. You want to leave. You've never heard that expression before?"

"Honestly, no," said Eugene. "What's it from?"

"What, originally?"

"Yeah."

"I have no fucking idea," said Zach. "I just picked it up somewhere. I probably read it in a book when I was at an impressionable age, and it stuck around."

"As if you're not still in at an impressionable age," said Eugene.

Zach snorted, rolling his eyes, but he was grinning, just a bit.

It was hard to stay mad at Eugene. 

“It can be… it can be tiring, having people just expecting things from you,” said Eugene.

“Hm?”

“When people want you, they… they expect shit,” said Eugene. “They always expect stuff, and when they expect stuff, they get mad at you for not filling those expectations.”

“Oh,” said Zach. 

“And yeah, I guess it can be an ego boost,” Eugene said, and he took another pull of his beer, “but there’s a lot of really gross people out there.”

“Right,” said Zach. 

“And there are plenty of people who just… assume shit about me,” Eugene added. “And it’s annoying. I mean if I wanted to, I could probably get my dick wet without too much effort.” Zach blushed at that. “But actual, like… relationships? Take more work.”

“I’m sure you’ll find someone,” said Zach, in what he hoped was a reassuring voice.

Eugene snorted.

“I think we’re both drunk enough to get maudlin,” he told Zach.

“I think you’re drunk enough that you’re legitimately worried about showing any kind of emotional vulnerability,” Zach fired back.

Eugene just looked at Zach with his deep brown eyes, and took another swig of his drink.

Zach rolled his eyes, and he drank his own drink.

* * *

They went home. 

Well, no, okay, they went to their own homes - they each got an uber, took the ride home.

Eugene gave Zach an awkward side hug, before getting into his uber, and then he was off.

Zach wasn’t sure how he felt about that, although he wasn’t sure _why_ he was feeling the way he was.

Must have been the booze.

* * *

Zach woke up to Bowie licking his face.

Zach groaned, gently shoving his dog away from him, and he rubbed his eyes.

Oh god.

His head hurt.

Too much booze.

His phone was blinking up at him, in a way that could be interpreted as “friendly,” if not for all of the alcohol that he’d had the night before.

Oh god.

What if he’d done something awkward while drunk and tired?

But there were just a few texts from Eugene. 

_Home safe,_ then, _there are people who want you._

… huh.

_Thanks for letting me know,_ Zach texted back.

Eugene answered pretty much instantly, which was unexpected.

_Letting you know what? That you’re wanted, or that I got home safe?_

Zach stared at the ceiling, one hand scratching around the top of Bowie’s head, as the dog wriggled against him. 

_Both, I guess._

_And you said I was bad at emotional vulnerability,_ texted Eugene.

Zach snickered.

_You have to be good at everything, don’t you?_

_Well, someone has to!_

Zach was still snickering as he stood up carefully, gritting his teeth against the pain, then making his way to the bathroom. 

He’d feel more like a human being after a shower and eating something.

* * *

Zach came into work on Monday feeling like a zombie.

A lot of it was just tiredness.

As he got older, his ability to just throw back booze and go on with his life seemed to be diminishing.

But now he was editing, typing away at his computer, and he would get things done. 

That was what he did, wasn’t it?

Eugene came in, looking as impeccable as ever, because of course he did.

There was a meeting, and Zach tried not to stare at Eugene too hard, because… well.

Maybe Eugene looked better than usual.

Shit.

Eugene glanced at Zach at one point, and Zach realized he was blushing.

Um.

Hm.

He was having… some sort of feelings.

Feelings that seemed to have come out of nowhere, which didn’t seem fair, because didn’t these things usually take time to develop?

Or was Zach just now noticing his own feelings?

“Zach?”

Ned was speaking, and Zach was jolted out of his daze.

“Hm?”

“I was asking what you thought,” Ned said.

Ned looked like death warmed over, but… well, baby. 

Babies did that to a person.

“Oh,” said Zach, and he cleared his throat. “Could you repeat that, please?”

“Where’s your head at?” 

Keith was looking at Zach with an almost comically suspicious look.

… admittedly, with Keith’s face, most expressions were comic, but stil.

“It’s attached to the end of my neck, like always,” said Zach. “Where do you think it is?”

“I have no idea,” said Keith, and then he was grinning. “Obviously, someplace you find more interesting than here, though.”

“It’s a staff meeting,” Eugene cut in. “Most things are more interesting.”

“Do you want me to bring pizza? Maybe set off some confetti cannons?”

Ned’s voice was dry.

Zach snickered in spite of himself, and pushed away whatever thoughts were going through his head at that moment. 

He could concentrate on work for now - he’d worry about… whatever it was that was going through his head later. 

* * *

Zach ruminated.

It really did feel like ruminating - chewing the same thoughts over, again and again, until the whole lot of them were just a mess, all mixed up, examined from every angle.

So he was possibly attracted to Eugene.

Was it some… emotional equivalent of an intimacy boner?

Was that even a thing?

He broached the subject with Keith one Wednesday, when the two of them were eating lunch.

“Can I ask a weird question?”

Zach bit into his burrito, and then made a face, as grease dribbled down his chin.

“Sure,” said Keith, handing Zach a napkin.

Zach dabbed at his chin, and hoped the grease wasn’t making its way to his shirt. If only there was a way that he could eat shirtless, without attracting weird looks. 

“Do you ever get, like… intimacy boners?”

“Do I get _what_?”

Keith had an eyebrow up, and looked faintly amused, faintly nonplussed.

Who knew someone could hold two expressions on their face at the same time?

“You know, like… if you’re really close to someone, you aren’t even necessarily super attracted to them, but something about the… the intimacy gets you all worked up. So you get a boner. Not even necessarily while being _horny_ , just while… having feelings.”

“... I mean, I’ve had that experience, yes,” said Keith. “Although some of it might just be because I’m an oversexed monster raring to go.”

He said it with a completely straight face, which made Zach snicker in spite of himself. 

“Wouldn’t you have more boners if you were _undersexed_?”

“I’d think being undersexed would result in not being able to get it up.”

“I’d disagree,” Zach said, emphatically.

“Regardless,” said Keith, “I think the idea of an intimacy boner is a real thing. Or an emotional boner, or whatever.”

“Is there, like… an emotional equivalent of that? That you know about, I mean.”

“... an emotional equivalent of an emotional boner?”

“Boner” no longer sounded like a word.

“No. Like, an emotional reaction to someone that’s just… from having emotions, versus from actually having feelings for them.”

“You’re going to have to break that down a little more for me, Zach. I’m still lost.”

“Like, okay,” said Zach. “Say you don’t actually have a crush on someone, but you end up getting aroused around them, and have feelings for them, but they aren’t _necessarily_ romantic feelings?”

“I… can’t say I’ve had that experience,” Keith said. 

“What, really?”

“If I like someone, I like them,” said Keith. “I don’t really try to quantify it like that - it seems like it’d be a bit headache inducing.”

“Don’t you differentiate between having an actual crush on someone, versus being infatuated with them?”

“Zach,” Keith said, “I’m married. I haven’t had a crush on anyone else since me and Becky got serious.”

“Not even, like, “wow, that person is hot” or whatever?”

Zach was aware that he was grasping at straws, just a bit, 

Maybe he was just trying to save his own dignity. Inasmuch as he had any, at this point. 

He resisted the urge to groan and cover his face, both for the sake of not giving away… whatever was going on in his head, and because he had grease on his hands.

“That’s not really a crush, that’s just… acknowledging that someone is hot,” said Keith. “I don’t know - maybe there’s some emotional equivalent of that, and you’re experiencing that?”

“Maybe,” said Zach.

“But I’d recommend you just talk to whoever it is, or else go out and find someone else to focus on,” said Keith, and he sounded borderline cheerful.

Zach rolled his eyes.

“As if it’s that easy,” he groused.

“C’mon, man. You’re not that ugly.”

“Gee, thanks,” said Zach, his tone flat.

“I could’ve put that better, couldn’t I?”

Keith didn’t even sound that ashamed, just slightly chagrined that he’d used the wrong word.

“Yep,” said Zach. 

“Well, okay,” said Keith. “So neither of us are exactly… conventionally attractive, in the strictest sense. But we’re both good people, and there are plenty of people out there who find us attractive. I’m sure you’ll find someone.”

“Right,” said Zach.

“Alternately,” said Keith, “you _could_ go talk to this person who seems to be giving you emotion boners.”

“Oh my god,” Zach groaned. “I can _not_ believe you just said that.”

“You started it,” said Keith. 

“You didn’t have to take it that far,” Zach groused.

“But I did,” said Keith. “So go talk to whoever is getting your dick hard or getting your feelings hard.”

Zach sighed, a long, hard sigh.

“Why do I try to have emotional conversations with you?”

“Because I give excellent advice, you just ignore most of it,” said Keith, and then he was taking a bite of his burrito with his ridiculously huge burrito with his equally ridiculously huge mouth.

Zach made a face, and took a bite of his own lunch. 

“You know it’s true,” Keith said, around a mouthful of beans and cheese and steak and who knew what else.

Zach made a dismissive hand gesture.

Keith gave him the finger.

Zach grinned in spite of himself, and Keith grinned back.

* * *

So okay.

He had… the feelings equivalent of a boner for Eugene

Maybe.

Maybe he was imprinting on Eugene because Eugene was the only queer guy he was close to?

Zach immediately discarded that idea.

He worked at _Buzzfeed_ , for fuck sake.

He knew a lot of queer people, of a whole bunch of gender and sexual variations.

He was, admittedly, closest to Eugene, but that didn’t necessarily mean that he was imprinting on the guy as Baby’s First Queer Crush, did he? 

… admittedly, trying to get any kind of emotional anything with Eugene seemed to be like doing… whatever this was on hard mode. 

Still.

He never did anything the easy way, did he?

Zach groaned, right there at his dining room table, and Bowie looked up at him, wearing a concerned face.

“You’re a good boy,” Zach told Bowie, and Bowie licked his fingers.

Okay.

So maybe Zach would try to talk to Eugene about this, see if he could figure something out.

… maybe this was a normal part of realizing that you were queer. 

Could that be a possibility?

… he’d probably have to ask Eugene, without actually hinting at whatever it was that he was feeling.

He rested his forehead on the wood of the table, and it was solid and cold.

Okay.

He could do this.

He could _totally_ do this.

He’d do it, it’d be done, he’d get on with his life.

It’d be great.

Absolutely great.

… right?

Hopefully.

* * *

“Want to go out tonight?”

Zach kept his voice totally neutral, as casual as humanly possible, as he and Eugene sat next to each other at work.

“Hm?”

Eugene looked up, his expression foggy.

He’d been in the middle of something - he always got that far off look when he was particularly entrenched in some project or another.

“Tonight. You wanna go out tonight? After work, I mean.”

“Oh. Yeah, sure,” said Eugene, and then he was diving back down into what he’d been doing, his eyes scanning across his screen, his expression distant. 

Zach bit back a snicker, and then he was back at what he was doing. 

* * *

Zach almost - almost - went home and changed his shirt.

Then he mentally kicked himself, because… well, Eugene would be able to tell if he did that, right? 

Except he didn’t want Eugene to be able to tell, but if Eugene _could_ tell, what if he thought it was….

Zach went to the bathroom, splashed some cold water on his face, and then he pressed his face into his face, his glasses on top of his head. 

“You can do this,” he mumbled to himself, because he _could_ , and he _would_.

What was he even going to say?

Even he wasn’t sure.

But he’d figure it out.

* * *

Eugene seemed, more or less, himself, once they got to the restaurant.

“Thanks for inviting me out,” said Eugene, and he smiled at Zach. 

Zach smiled back, and it was a big smile too, almost embarrassingly big.

Oh _god_ , this was a crush, wasn’t it?

He needed to not have a crush.

“You okay, Zach?”

Eugene was frowning now, and Zach’s stomach surged.

Eugene could even tell when Zach’s face changed. 

“Yeah,” said Zach, and he laughed, self conscious. “Sorry. Just, uh… thinking about stuff.”

Eugene raised an eyebrow.

Zach plunged on.

“Can I ask an awkward question?”

Eugene kep this eyebrow up.

“What kind of awkward are we talking about?”

“... what’s having a crush on a guy like?”

That didn’t seem to be what Eugene had expected - his face flashed something like surprise.

“Um,” said Eugene. “It feels like a crush?”

“Well, yeah, okay, but, like… how do you _know_ it’s a crush? Versus, like… I dunno, just really admiring someone, or wanting to spend time with them, something like that,” said Zach, and he rested his elbows on the table, looking down at the menu in front of him but not really seeing him. 

“I guess you could see if it feels the same as having a crush on a woman,” said Eugene. “Although they can feel different.”

“Is there a way to, like… know if it’s a crush?”

“Zach, you’re a grown ass adult,” said Eugene. “Haven’t you sorted all of that stuff out by now?”

“I thought I did,” Zach said, and he must have sounded more worn out than he meant to, because Eugene’s hand was resting on his shoulder, giving him a squeeze.

“It’s not that complicated,” Eugene said, in a voice that he probably was trying to make sound comforting. 

Eugene was horrible at sounding comforting, but at least he was putting the effort in, right?

“It feels like it is,” Zach said.

“So you have a crush on a guy,” said Eugene. “Do you want to fuck him?”

“I… I haven’t gotten that far,” said Zach.

This conversation wasn’t going the way he had thought it would.

Admittedly, he hadn’t been sure what direction he had expected it to go. 

“So what _do_ you want?”

“I want to… spend time with him,” said Zach. “I want to do stuff with him. Maybe sexy stuff, but honestly, it’s just been me, like… getting butterflies, when I talk to him, or feeling flustered. Stuff like that.”

“Have you jerked off to him?”

Chill, conversational question, as if they were just talking about the weather.

And then the waitress was coming over, and Zach was flushing, trying not to babble.

He pointed to a particular thing on the menu, not even thinking, just asking for it, and hopefully it wouldn’t have anything he’d be allergic to.

Eugene got a drink to go with his dinner, because of course he did.

“I haven’t… gotten that far,” said Zach. “It feels a lot different from what I’ve had with women, so I just kind of… assume that, y’know, I’d want to kiss them or fuck them or… whatever. But I don’t. I’m not… opposed to the idea, but also it just feels like such different _territory_.”

“Only you would overthink having a crush on someone to this degree,” said Eugene, but his tone was affectionate. “You need to relax and just enjoy yourself.”

“Easy for you to say,” said Zach.

Eugene snorted.

“I had this crisis as a teenager,” he told Zach. “It’s been almost twenty years since then. I’ve forgotten most of it.” 

"How do you forget about having a sexuality crisis?"

Zach leaned back in his chair, his hands behind his head.

There was an unpleasant twinge in his hips, but at the same time, an almost _heavenly_ crack of his back. 

"Because I had it when I was a kid," said Eugene. "I'm an adult now."

"Didn't you lose your virginity in your twenties?"

"Well, yes," said Eugene, and he shifted in his seat. 

Zach realized, somewhat belatedly, that he might have been pushing an uncomfortable subject.

"Sorry, am I... like, being rude?"

"I think we're beyond rude by now," said Eugene, and he grinned that obnoxious grin of his that kind of made Zach want to punch him, and kind of made Zach want to kiss him.

... wait.

No, okay, that was new.

Um.

Zach took a long drink of water, and he was blushing hard enough that his heart was beating in his ears.

"You're not actually ugly," Eugene said, and that was a surprise.

"Hm?"

"I know you keep saying you're ugly or you're not attractive or whatever, but you're not."

Eugene was blushing.

"You think?"

"I mean, you're no Idris Elba, but none of us are."

"Idris Elba is," Zach pointed out.

"Well, okay, so one person is Idris Elba, and that's Idris Elba."

"Right," said Zach.

"But you're not ugly. And if you're having a whole sexuality crisis because you think you're ugly...." Eugene shrugged.

"It's... complicated," said Zach, and he sighed.

"Just don't do that thing where you lead along some poor guy because you think that a woman would never be interested in you," said Eugene.

"Is that a thing that people do?"

Man, the intricacies of same sex relationships were more... intricate than Zach had expected.

"It has been a thing that people have done, yeah," said Eugene, and there was something tight and delicate in his expression.

Zach cleared his throat, folding his hands together, and then their waiter was coming over, breaking the tension.

* * * 

The rest of the evening went by pleasantly.

Zach and Eugene were friends by now - they were _good_ friends, even if they were awkward and weird about it sometimes.

You see another person naked often enough (or in weird clothes, or in fetishy clothes...) and it gets harder to be awkward.

Not impossible, but harder.

Eugene ended up giving Zach a hug before he got into his Uber, which was an utter surprise.

"I'll see you tomorrow," he told Zach, then; "think about what I said."

"Which bit?"

"The bit about how you're not ugly, and maybe a crush is just a crush," said Eugene. 

"Even if it feels different from usual?"

"Not every crush feels the same," Eugene said. "Good night, Zach."

"Good night, Eugene," said Zach, and he gave a little wave, waiting for his own Uber.

* * * 

Zach went home, walked Bowie, and fiddled with a few different dating profiles.

He added "interested in men" to it, and then he took it off, and then added it on again.

He groaned, sinking down into his bed, his laptop balanced precariously on his chest, and he covered his face with both hands.

For fuck sake.

He needed to not imprint on Eugene as some sort of "baby's first queer experience" or whatever, because that just... that didn't seem fair, and also seemed pretty stereotypical.

Eugene had told him a few stories about people realizing he was queer, then assuming he'd be down for anything, and that just was _not_ fair.

So Zach would find some time in his busy schedule to find someone who'd want to date him. 

If that was a thing that he existed.

Maybe he needed to call Ryan and Shane, to get them look for a cryptid. 

... no, that was too cynical, even for him.

Zach sighed, running his fingers through his hair, no doubt making it stand up at weird angles. 

He was just too deep into his head.

He needed to get out of it. Go out and have some fun.

He could do this.

* * *

"Eugene, can I -"

"If you're about to ask me if you can ask me an awkward question," Eugene interrupted, "just ask it. Consider this my blanket consent to weird questions, as long as I don't have to answer them if they're _too_ weird."

It was a month after they'd gone to dinner.

Zach had gone on four dates, kissed three guys, and was still at least a little bit in the dark.

He liked kissing the guys he'd kissed, but there hadn't been any feeling of... _rightness_ , or things clicking into place, or anything like that.

Zach liked kissing people, and kissing guys was nice, but it wasn't any nicer than kissing women. 

"Do you think... like, how do you _know_ you're attracted to men?"

Eugene sighed, leaning back into his desk chair, his feet going up on his desk.

It was late at night, and the two of them were both editing.

"Are you still worrying about that?"

"... yeah," said Zach.

"What... specifically are you worried about?"

"What if I'm just fooling myself, and I don't _really_ like guys?"

Eugene buried his face in his hands, and he went floppier in his chair, like a rag doll that someone had discarded.

"Zach," said Eugene, "does kissing dudes get your dick hard?"

"I mean, uh... yeah," said Zach. "But it's not any different than when I kiss girls."

"So you like men and women," said Eugene. "There's nothing wrong with that."

"Shouldn't I have, like... a great revelation or whatever?"

"You've been reading too many romance novels," said Eugene. "Some people just realize their sexuality, and it's their sexuality."

"I feel like there'd be more... fireworks," groused Zach.

"At least you've gotten over that whole thing about being ugly," said Eugene.

"Hm?"

"You've been kissing guys," said Eugene. "You didn't argue when I asked you that."

"I went on a few dates, yeah," said Zach, and he rubbed the back of his neck, blushing. "But it was... it was, y'know, it was nice, but I wasn't... I wasn't, like, the hottest thing on legs to them."

"You can't expect to be the hottest thing on legs for every hook up you're gonna have," said Eugene. 

"I don't have a lot of experience with hook ups," said Zach. "I didn't even... well, I mainly just did some making out. Didn't go any farther than that."

Eugene nodded.

"I think you're overthinking this," he told Zach. "If it makes you happy, do it."

"I do enjoy it," Zach said slowly, "but I still feel like I'm... missing something."

"What do you think you're missing?"

"That I can't tell you."

"I'm sure you'll figure it out," said Eugene.

"... I had another question," said Zach. 

"Yeah?"

Eugene's tone had taken on a long suffering quality.

"Do you think... do you think that, uh, that queer dudes would find me attractive in the first place?"

"Why wouldn't they?"

"Because I'm short and scrawny and hairy," said Zach. "Not exactly an in demand body type."

"My body type isn't exactly in demand either, and I still get hook ups," Eugene pointed out.

"Dude," said Zach, "you're kidding, right?"

"I'm not exactly the most popular dude in the queer scene," said Eugene. 

"Yeah, but you're fucking gorgeous," said Zach. 

Eugene raised an eyebrow.

"Really?"

"Well, yeah," said Zach.

“I mean,” said Eugene, “everyone seems to think so, but….” He shrugged. 

Huh.

That was unexpected.

“I mean it,” Zach said, and he leaned back in his chair, crossing is arms over his chest. “You’re fucking gorgeous. You’re obviously the best looking Try Guy -”

“I mean, yeah, to a bunch of thirsty teenagers,” interrupted Eugene. 

“Nah. I’m not a thirsty teenager.”

“You’re a thirsty grown ass adult?”

“ _Exactly_.”

That seemed to startle a laugh out of Eugene, and he threw his head back, cackling up to the ceiling.

The long column of his throat was exposed, his Adam’s apple bobbing, and Zach wanted to put his hand on Eugene’s face, feel the roughness of Eugene’s cheekbone under his thumb, the softness of Eugene’s skin against his palm.

Zach cleared his throat, and he blushed, looking down before he had a chance to do or say anything especially embarrassing.

“Well,” said Eugene, when he’d gotten over his laughing fit, “I guess it’s better to embrace it, huh?”

“Basically,” agreed Zach.

“You’re not ugly,” said Eugene. “I mean it.”

“You’re just saying that,” Zach said, making a dismissive hand gesture.

“Learn to take a compliment,” Eugene groused, and then he was turning around to go back to whatever it was he had been doing.

“Yeah, yeah,” said Zach, but he went back to his own work.

He was grinning at his screen, although he couldn’t entirely put his finger on why.

* * * 

Life went on, as life does.

Zach went on more dates, got jerked off by a dude, sucked another dude’s cock.

It was… fine.

No fireworks, but not appalling either. 

He came across a guy’s knuckles, he let the guy come across his chest, and it was like any other hook up he’d had.

They hadn’t seen each other again after that, but there had been the occasional text.

But something still felt like it was… missing.

There still wasn’t that flash of “this is _right_ ” that Zach had expected to happen the first time he’d kissed someone, or touched their dick, or sucked them off.

It was a thing that he’d done, a thing he wouldn’t mind doing again, a thing that he’d found sexy, but not, like… drive you out of your mind sexy.

Although it ended up slipping out of his mouth when he was out drinking with Keith and Eugene.

The three of them sat together at a bar, drinking drinks out of ridiculous mugs shaped like things, and Zach got progressively more sloshed.

“Eugene, you’re not the only one anymore,” he said.

“Hm?”

Eugene had a little paper umbrella tucked behind one ear, and was resting his elbows on the table.

His mug was shaped like a parrot.

“The only Try Guy who’s had a dick in his mouth,” said Zach. “You’re not the only one anymore.”

Keith blinked, and then he grinned. 

“Is this one of those situations where you say congratulations? I assume it was a wanted dick, I assume, from the way you’re talking about it.”

“Yeah. yeah, it was a wanted dick,” said Zach. “I, uh… wanted it. I liked it.”

“That’s good,” said Keith. “So congratulations on sucking your first dick!”

“I told you that you’d be a hit,” Eugene said. 

“But I’m not having the… you know, the… lightbulb moment.”

“Lightbulb moment?” 

Keith was eating a bit of orange off of the rim of the glass. 

“Yeah. Like, the moment when I realize that this is _right_ and who I’m meant to be.”

“Did you have one of those with girls?”

“Hm?”

“With girls. Did you have a moment where you realized that you liked girls?”

Keith’s tone was just… gentle inquiry.

Eugene was still quiet, drinking his drink.

“Well, no,” said Zach. “I just… kinda liked girls. I got crushes on them, and then it went from there.”

“So maybe it’s the same thing,” said Keith. “You may just not be a very introspective person when it comes to how your sexuality works.”

“I’ve been navel gazing about it for _months_ ,” said Zach. “How is that not introspective?”

“Okay, not that… internally introspective.”

“How can someone be externally introspective?” Eugene sounded genuinely perplexed.

“You make a big show out of trying to figure things out,” said Keith, “but your mind is already made up. You’re in the land of bisexuality. Just enjoy yourself, man.” 

“I don’t know if Zach can enjoy himself without stressing out,” said Eugene.

“I can enjoy myself,” Zach argued.

“Zach, you are every stereotype about neurotic Jewish dudes that I thought were specific to Woody Allen,” said Eugene.

“Gee, thanks,” Zach said, wrinkling his nose. “I just love being compared to _Woody Allen_.”

“Sorry,” said Eugene, although he didn’t sound it.

“Just relax,” said Keith. “Go with the flow. Enjoy yourself.”

Zach sighed.

“At least I’ve opened up the pool of people to reject me,” he said. 

“Dude,” said Eugene, “didn’t you _just_ say that a guy wanted you to suck his dick?”

“Well, yeah,” said Zach. “But still.”

“But still what?”

“I dunno,” said Zach. “I want that magical lightbulb moment.”

“I’m sure you’ll find someone who’ll give it to you,” said Eugene, and he patted Zach on the knee.

It was an awkward pat, but Zach still blushed.

“Thanks,” he said, and then he cleared his throat. 

“Me and Ned better get to the dick sucking, if we don’t wanna get left out,” said Keith, and he was grinning.

“I dunno,” said Eugene. “You guys can be the married ones, we can be the dick suckers.”

“I dunno if I like that dichotomy,” said Zach, wrinkling his nose. “What if I want to get married one day.”

“You will, I’m sure,” said Eugene. “But it can be a sign of our youthful, fancy free lifestyle.”

“The implications of that are a bit iffy,” Zach said, and he trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck. 

His back was beginning to ache, and anxiety was beginning to build up in his gut, although fucked if he could put his finger on why.

“Sorry,” said Keith. “I wasn’t thinking.”

“It’s fine,” said Eugene, making a dismissive hand gesture.

Zach took a swig of his drink.

“I’m part of the queer community,” he said. 

“Yeah, that kinda is implied, with the whole dick sucking thing,” said Eugene. 

“No, but, like… I’m not an ally anymore. I’m just a member of it.”

“... yeah?”

Eugene sounded faintly perplexed.

“It’s a weird thing to think about,” said Zach. “Just… y’know, joining a new community, when I’m at the age I am.”

“At the age you are,” Eugene mocked. “As if you’re some eighty year old guy. C’mon.”

Zach rolled his eyes, and he gave Eugene the finger.

Eugene waggled his eyebrows.

Zach burst out laughing in spite of himself, because, well… this was all taking on a faintly surreal feeling. 

“It’s like we’re in a Dali painting,” Zach said, because his filter wasn’t really working.

“... what?”

“Like a Dali painting. Melting clocks, or pianos being sodomized.”

“ _What_?”

“You know, Dali. Salvador Dali?”

“Zach, I do _not_ get you.”

"The fact that I'm just sitting here and having this conversation," said Zach. "Like... I'm a dude who's sucked off another dude, and I'm a dude who's now sitting here, just... talking about it."

"Welcome to living in the world of being queer," said Eugene, and he patted Zach on the shoulder.

Zach sighed - a long, slow, deep sigh.

"I'm too old for this," Zach groused.

"You're not that old," said Keith, not unkindly.

"Shouldn't I have figured this shit out when I was, like, sixteen?"

Eugene shrugged. "We all do stuff at different... rates," he said. "There's probably some seventy year old guy out there having this same realization over his Metamucil."

"Right," said Zach. "Still." 

"You look like you're going to fall over," said Keith. "You should go home."

"I'll take him home," said Eugene.

Keith raised an eyebrow. "I'm gonna stay here for a little longer - finish my drink, get some reading in."

He might have been smirking, but it was dim, and Zach's head was swimming, just a bit. 

Zach cleared his throat, but he smiled at Eugene, his expression halfway to nervous.

"I'll see you at work," he told Keith.

"Right," said Keith. "Make sure to drink water." 

Zach gave a thumbs up, and then he was (admittedly, with some wobbling) making his way to the bar, to pay his tab. 

"I'll take you home," Eugene said again.

Zach looked at him sidelong, trying to parse Eugene's expression - the guy could be hard to read at the best of times, let alone through the haze of alcohol. 

"You don't need to," said Zach. 

"I want to," said Eugene, and then he was _leaning against Zach_ , which was... unexpected, to say the least. 

"If you, uh... if you insist," said Zach. 

"I mean, unless you don't want me to," said Eugene, and he was sitting up again.

And then Zach put an arm around Eugene's waist, keeping Eugene in place.

And Eugene didn't flinch, didn't pull away.

"Congrats on joining the community," said Eugene. "Or figuring yourself out, I guess. If you don't want to be part of the community." 

Zach shrugged.

"I'll figure it out as I go along," he said. "That's what most people do, isn't it?"

"Yeah," said Eugene, and then he laughed, rumbling through his chest, and it was almost ticklish against Zach's skin. "Basically."

They stood there, Eugene's fingers hooked into one of Zach's belt loops, and something was happening.

Something that Zach didn't entirely... understand, except for the fact that he was kind of tipsy, and also his head was in twenty places at once.

Eugene was very warm, and very solid.

"So how did you, uh... how'd you meet this guy? That you sucked off, I mean."

If Zach didn't know better, he'd have thought that Eugene was lost for words.

Um.

That was a new one.

"Oh, y'know," said Zach. "Tinder."

"You're trawling Tinder?"

"Yep," said Zach. "With my little crab boat."

"Crab boat," Eugene said, and his voice was deadpan. He sounded like he was going to start laughing again.

"I don't know. I feel like saying "trawler" would be a bit too... obvious," said Zach. "Don't crab boats trawl?"

"Do I look like someone who'd know about boats?"

"I don't fuckin' know," said Zach.

Then their Uber arrived, and they were both getting into it, both of them squeezed into the back seat.

This felt a bit too much like the Tinder dates that Zach had been on - there was some kind of nameless anticipation rising in his chest, and that was _not_ a feeling he expected with Eugene.

It wasn't something he really expected with any of his friends, honestly, but it was here, and he wasn't sure what to do with it.

His thoughts were chasing themselves in circles.

"Eugene?"

"Mm?"

"Did you ever have the light bulb moment?"

The lights from the streetlights were making the shadows on Eugene's face interesting - the feathery spread of his eyelashes, the deep hollows of his cheekbones, the elegant line of his profile.

Zach was thinking about Eugene's profile, which was probably a bad sign, but he was drunk. 

That was a viable excuse, right?

Why was he thinking of it as an excuse?

"Zach, you look a million miles away," said Eugene.

"How can you see me, as dim as it is?"

"I've got good eyesight," said Eugene. "Ate a lot of carrots as a kid."

"I heard that was just a myth," said Zach. "About the carrots." 

"Well, _something_ gave me good eyesight," said Eugene, and then his expression was borderline lecherous, which was unexpected.

Or was Zach reading into things?

He groaned, covering his face with both hands.

"Are you gonna puke?" Eugene sounded nervous.

"No," said Zach. "I think I have too many feelings in my head right now."

"What kinda feelings?"

"Just... feelings," said Zach.

"I never had a light bulb moment," said Eugene.

"Hm?"

"About, y'know... about being queer. I just kinda... knew it was a thing. It was who I was. I never had a light bulb moment about being Asian, or being a guy. I just... am."

"Right," said Zach. "That makes sense."

Did it? Or was he just making agreeable noises?

He didn't fucking know.

* * * 

They arrived at Zach's house, and Eugene came inside. 

Eugene came inside, fussed over Bowie, and then he stood in Zach’s kitchen, looking awkward.

“Can I, uh… can I get you a glass of water?”

This was beginning to feel like the aftermath of a hook up, without the fun, post orgasm exhaustion. 

The pain was beginning to tickle at the edges of his consciousness, and he needed… he needed for that to not be a thing that was happening.

“I don’t think you’re unattractive,” Eugene blurted out.

“I didn’t think you thought I was,” said Zach. 

His mind was racing, but he didn’t know where it was racing _to_ , or why, exactly, it was racing in the first place.

This was Eugene.

This was Eugene, taking a step closer, hands on Zach’s shoulders, and then it was… Eugene bending down, Eugene kissing him, and oh hey.

This was a thing that was happening.

How about that?

There was a lot of noise in the back of Zach’s head, but it was all coming from a long way off. 

Eugene’s lips were soft, and Eugene’s nose was cold - from the air conditioning?

Eugene’s hands were on Zach’s shoulders, and now Zach’s hands were on Eugene’s hips, and they were bony, his thumbs against the soft cotton of Eugene’s shirt, his pinky against the rough denim of Eugene’s jeans.

Eugene pulled back, and he was blushing.

“Um,” said Eugene.

“That was nice,” said Zach, and then he was snickering into Eugene’s neck, because… wow, he was drunk and also that was a dumb thing to say. 

“I’m glad,” said Eugene, and his voice was rumbling through Zach’s chest, buzzing on Zach’s skin.

“This is really weird,” said Zach.

“It kinda is,” Eugene agreed. “Do you want to stop?”

“ _God_ no,” said Zach, and then he was pressing closer to Eugene, as if that was possible, and he was tilting his head back, kissing Eugene on the mouth, trying to slide his tongue inside of Eugene’s mouth.

And Eugene… took a step back.

“This is nice,” Eugene said, and his voice was rough, his face red. “Really nice. But… you’re drunk. I’m not exactly sober. We probably… we probably shouldn’t be doing this just yet.”

“What?”

“Zach, you’re one of my best friends,” said Eugene. “You, uh, you might’ve missed it, but I’m not exactly the best at the whole emotional intimacy thing. I don’t want to fuck anything up.”

“Right,” said Zach.

All of these words were making sense.

So was his stomach knotting up like this?

“I… I don’t want you to think I don’t want you or anything like that. Or that you think that I think that there’s something wrong with you or something like that. I know how you get in your head.”

“Right,” said Zach.

“... I’m gonna go now,” said Eugene. 

“Right,” Zach repeated.

He kinda wanted to die, right then, just a little.

Wow, but this was… this was uncomfortable.

Eugene gave him an awkward pat on the shoulder, and then he was walking outside.

… welp.

Zach sighed, and then he was flopping onto the floor, as Bowie crowded closer to him, nuzzling into his face.

Eugene didn’t even want to wait for his ride in the house.

“I fucked up,” Zach told Bowie.

Bowie didn’t say anything, but he crowded closer.

* * *

Zach woke up with a headache, his back sore, and his phone blinking at him.

He had a whole bunch of text messages, all from Eugene. 

_I’m sorry I ran like a rabbit last night,_ came the first one, then, _I wasn’t kidding, about your tiny fuckable body. In the one video, I mean._

Zach groaned, pressing his face into his pillow, but his phone vibrated.

_If you’re mad at me, I get it,_ read the next message, then, _want to get lunch or breakfast or brunch or whatever?_

Before Zach’s brain had a chance to catch up with his fingers, he was typing up a message.

_Come over, we can order something in,_ he texted.

_Sounds like a plan,_ came the immediate response. _Be there in an hour._

… wait.

That meant he had to shower, he had to brush his teeth, he had to see Eugene….

Fuck.

He wasn’t thinking things through.

But fuck it - this was Eugene. 

He wasn’t going to lose one of his best friends because of a moment of drunken horniness or loneliness or whatever that had been.

He could come clean, apologize, admit to all of that, maybe even admit to his crush, they’d move on past it, things would be perfectly normal again.

… this was gonna suck, so badly.

* * *

Zach took a shower.

He shaved, even though his head hurt.

He even put on cologne and a nice button down shirt.

Then he realized what that might look like, and he took off his nice shirt, put on a regular t-shirt, but would _that_ send a different message?

What message did he want to send?

He was still deliberating over shirts when there was a knock on the door.

Lacking anything else to do, he threw on a different shirt and answered the door.

* * *

Eugene was wearing a nice shirt.

Admittedly, Eugene always looked nice. It was one of the man’s uncanny abilities, along with his uncanny ability to remain calm in any situation.

But he didn’t mention the awkward stuff that had happened the night before - he got on his knees to fuss over Bowie, and then they were both standing in Zach’s living room, not saying anything of merit.

Fuck it.

“I’m sorry about last night,” Zach said. “It was… I shouldn’t have done that.”

“What, confessed your feelings, or kissed me like that?” Eugene’s arms were crossed over his chest, and his expression was unreadable. 

Zach shrugged.

“Both? All of it? I don’t know.”

Zach rubbed the back of his neck, shifting from foot to foot, trying not to fidget too much, trying not to look like some kind of guilty party.

He was a guilty party, wasn’t he? 

… sort of.

Was this guilt?

Oh god.

“You don’t need to… you don’t need to apologize,” said Eugene. “It’s okay. I… I appreciate it.”

“Ow,” said Zach. 

“What?”

Now Eugene looked offended.

“Ow,” Zach said. “That’s… I mean, it’s a nice let down, but it’s still a let down.”

“I didn’t say it was a let down,” Eugene protested. 

“How is saying “I appreciate it” not a let down?”

“I didn’t say I wasn’t interested,” said Eugene. “Just that… I’m bad at it.”

“Oh,” said Zach, because… well, how was he supposed to react to that?

“If you’re… I mean, you were drunk, so I figured it was all of the alcohol talking,’ said Eugene, and now he was beginning to pace, rubbing his hands together. “Since I know I’m a close friend, and I’m also queer, and a lot of people tend to… imprint on that.”

“What? No!”

And now Zach was stepping closer - Zach was stepping close enough that his hands were going to Eugene’s shoulders, and Eugene wasn’t shrugging them off, and they were just standing there, looking at each other. 

“It’s okay if that is the case,” Eugene said quickly. “I just… I’m not an experiment or whatever.”

“I’ve experimented already,” Zach pointed out. “I can point to scientific proof that says I like dick.”

“What, you took notes on a clipboard or something?”

“Well, okay, no,” said Zach. “But… it’s a thing. It’s a thing that’s… I… I really want to kiss you right now.”

“Kiss me?”

“Yeah,” said Zach. “We’re both sober. I brushed my teeth. I’d like to kiss you.”

“Well, I mean, um. Sure.”

Zach snickered, and they were a lot closer together now, chest to chest, belly to belly. 

“You’re not so smooth when you’re flustered,” he told Eugene, and okay, that was a dumb thing to say in and of itself, but Zach never actually tried to claim that he was suave, did he? 

“Is anyone?”

Zach shrugged.

Eugene was leaning forward, and Zach was getting up on his tiptoes, and then their mouths were meeting, and Zach was sighing, his hands going from Eugene’s shoulders to the back of Eugene’s head, his fingers sliding through Eugene’s hair.

Eugene’s hair, which was soft - almost no product in it - and then Eugene’s hands were on Zach’s face, sliding down along Zach’s sides, to rest on Zach’s lower back.

Zach sighed, a long, drawn out sigh, and he deepened the kiss, until his tongue was in Eugene’s mouth, and then Eugene’s tongue was in _his_ mouth, and he was sucking on it.

When he pulled back, he was panting, his eyes wide, his chest heaving.

“You look utterly debauched right now,” said Eugene, as his hand went to Zach’s face, his thumb pressing against Zach’s cheekbone. 

Zach leaned into it. 

“I’m still wearing all of my clothes,” Zach said, and wow, that was a dumb thing to say.

“You don’t have to be naked to be debauched,” Eugene pointed out. “If you sucked my cock, right now, it’d be pretty damn debauched, even if you kept your clothes on.”

“You’re right,” said Zach, then, “you should sit down.”

“What?” 

“I kinda want to suck your dick, like, right now,” Zach said in a rush, “since you put the idea in my head, and now I want to do it very badly, but it’s a lot easier on my back if you’re sitting down while I’m doing it.”

“Um,” said Eugene. “I mean, that’s a bit fast, since we just -”

“Do you not want me to?”

“No, I do,” Eugene said quickly. “But, uh… you’re new at this.”

“Are you saying that you don’t have a beginner dick? You must be this tall to suck this dick?”

Eugene groaned, and he pressed his forehead against Zach’s, his expression long suffering.

“Why do I put up with you?”

“I ask myself the same question every day,” Zach said, and that seemed to make Eugene feel some kind of something, because he was kissing Zach again, sweet, deep kissing, and he was shuffling around, until _Zach_ was the one who was sitting on the couch, Eugene looming over him.

“I’m going to suck you off,” he told Zach. 

“You are? But, I mean, I offered -”

“I know you offered,” said Eugene, “but… fuck, okay. I’ve been thinking about this. A lot. Since you mentioned giving someone a blowjob. You didn’t mention if you’d gotten a blowjob from him.”

“Oh,” said Zach. “No. He, uh, he jerked me off.”

“So you’ve never gotten a blowjob from a guy before?”

“Unless you count that drink,” said Zach. “From the sexy alcohol -”

“Right,” said Eugene, and his hands were sliding along the insides of Zach’s thighs, squeezing them through Zach’s jeans, and okay, that was… that was a lot.

It was all a lot. 

A lot more than Zach thought it would be. 

“So you want to take my blowjob cherry?” Zach’s voice cracked, and he flushed.

“Yeah,” said Eugene, and then his face went almost… soft. “And maybe I’ll get it through your thick skull that you’re not actually ugly. That you’re wanted.”

“That’s nice of you,” Zach said faintly, because Eugene was unzipping his pants, and those were _Eugene’s_ hands sliding into his pants, and this was all, as it is said, a bit much. 

Zach was beginning to shake. 

How about that?

“Are you okay?”

Eugene was looking up at him with big eyes, and his fingers were gentle, unmoving.

They were also resting on Zach’s dick.

Oh god.

“Yeah,” said Zach. “Just, uh… not the way I imagined my morning going.”

“Right,” said Eugene, and then he was… drawing Zach’s dick out, and oh wow.

Um.

“Never seen it hard before,” said Eugene, after a beat.

Zach snickered in spite of himself - this was all adding to the strangeness of this, but… well, he wasn’t going to complain.

What did all of this mean?

He didn’t care, just now.

“Can I… can I put my hands on your head?”

“Just don’t pull my hair, okay?” Eugene was leaning forward, and his breath was ghosting across Zach’s dick, making Zach break up in goosebumps.

“Right,” said Zach.

He rested his hands on top of Eugene’s head, and Eugene’s hair was soft under his fingers.

Eugene’s mouth was wet and hot, as it drew Zach’s cock in, and Zach gave a long, shuddering sigh, his toes curling against the floor.

Fuck.

Eugene was doing… something with his tongue, Zach didn’t know what, and it was making it hard to think, let alone catalog it, as he let the sweet pleasure roll over him in waves.

Eugene took him deeper, until the head of Zach’s cock was bumping against the back of his throat, and Zach moaned, trying not to move his hips, trying not to push his cock deeper, trying not to do anything but just _take_ it, because this was all just… so much.

Zach moaned, and Eugene moaned back, a long, drawn out vibration along Zach’s shaft, which made Zach’s cock full on twitch, right in Eugene’s mouth.

Eugene pulled back, Zach’s cock loosely wrapped in his fist, and he looked faintly impressed.

“You’re, like… really worked up,” Eugene said, and his voice already had a trace of roughness to it.

“You were kissing me,” Zach pointed out. “And… I’ve been daydreaming about this a lot.”

“A lot, huh?” Eugene raised an eyebrow.

“You’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen in my life,” said Zach, and he mostly meant it, “how could I not have thought about… well, all of this?”

Eugene shrugged. 

“You haven’t?”

“Not really, no,” said Eugene, and his hand was moving - he was stroking Zach’s cock, and Zach was rolling his hips forward, fucking into Eugene’s fist. “It’s all a bit of a happy surprise.”

“Glad to… be happy,” Zach mumbled.

He was pulsing in Eugene’s hand, his cock leaking pre-come to the point that it could be heard, as Eugene’s fingers stroked across him.

“You get really dumb when you’re horny,” Eugene told him.

“At least you’re just saying when I’m horny, versus all the time,” Zach fired back.

Eugene snorted, and then he was leaning forward, taking Zach into his mouth, then… further back.

Oh god, Eugene was deep throating him.

Eugene was swallowing around him, Eugene was… taking him all the way down, Eugene’s nose was against his belly, Eugene’s breath ticklish against the sensitive skin.

Zach groaned like he was in pain, and he shoved his knuckles into his mouth, his teeth digging into his finger.

_Fuck_. 

“Eugene, I’m… fuck, please….”

Time stopped mattering, for a little bit.

Eugene bobbed his head, sucking, licking, swallowing. His tongue was doing things that Zach couldn’t put into words, except that Zach’s eyes were rolling back into his head, and his hips were rolling up, just a bit.

Eugene’s hands were on Zach’s hips, keeping him in place, and then Eugene did… something, and time seemed to be rushing back, everything seemed to be happening at once.

“I’m gonna come,” Zach croaked - when had his mouth gotten so dry?

Eugene’s fingers found Zach’s, and he squeezed.

“I don’t know if that’s the go ahead, you need to give me more… more… oh!”

Zach had planned to pull out, but he was coming into Eugene’s mouth, down Eugene’s throat, and then Eugene was swallowing it, oh god, that was… intense, and Eugene was pulling back, licking his lips and looking up at Zach. 

“I really want to fuck you,” Eugene said, and his tone was downright _conversational_ , “but I should probably eat some actual food first.”

“... right,” said Zach. 

“I told you,” Eugene said, and yeah, no, he was definitely blushing. “People want you. You just have to… let them in.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” said Zach, and he squeezed Eugene’s fingers.

Still no lightbulb moment - no click of “this is who I am!” or anything like that, but… this was comfortable.

A level of comfortable he’d realized was an option.

So go figure. 

Maybe that was something like a lightbulb moment.

He’d take it.

**Author's Note:**

> Like this fic?
> 
> Want me to write you something like it, or something completely different?
> 
> Come talk to me on my tumblr, theseusinthemaze.tumblr.com!


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